I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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