i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
