dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i wish my penis had a tongue
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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