Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
