Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize