Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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