I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
