She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
