i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
