Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
