Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh god it's open bar.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize