I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
