They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
