I'm lost and stupid without you.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
