I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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