This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i now understand why vodka
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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