they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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