Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
