My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
