More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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