and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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