I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
