watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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