My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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