morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
