And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
