I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
