U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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