is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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