WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
