Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
