What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
