wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
