There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
