Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
