you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
