Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
