I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
