I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
