She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
