i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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