look no pants
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
