turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize