I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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