Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
