im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
