It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
