96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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