what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
