I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
