i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
