you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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