dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
