Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
