a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
